I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
