You don't have asthma, your pregnant
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize