maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Randomize
