I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
