I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
COCAINE IS GR8
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