Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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