You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
i think my cat just said my name.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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