Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I lost the right to judge tonight
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
