Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
