Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Randomize
