eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
