just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
