i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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