According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
