I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
