we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
