Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
