I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
