No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
