I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
my vag is so smooth its legendary
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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