Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
