I don't usually arrange sex via text message
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
