You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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