Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
