he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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