My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
