You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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