I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
