my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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