i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
