theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
