it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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