Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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