Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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