I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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