Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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