your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
