So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
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