Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Randomize
