Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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