Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
