I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Randomize
