you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
