it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
