I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
