I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
