i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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