I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
