So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
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He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
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And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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