He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
