i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
