I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
