If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
