the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
