I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
