I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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