Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
