He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
