she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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