worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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