I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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