i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
