That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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