he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
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